This is a topic I’ve been wanting to tackle for a while but didn’t quite know the best way to get at it since it has potential to be controversial (and I’ve attempted to steer clear from controversy). But 'The Plus One' is a topic that comes up often and everyone has their own opinion on it. I know that years ago I definitely had an opinion on it, I mean obviously you give everyone a plus one ... right? Well it is not often that I admit to being wrong, but my opinion has definitely changed. Having numerous friends going through the planning process and being there for them as they try to pull together the coveted 'list' has proven that there is no obvious solution to the plus one and because there are so many factors that go into putting the list together that it is impossible to be that cut and dry.
What I have learned is that capacity and head count is a real thing. Every venue is different and some people have endless room for your cousins, cousins plus one, but other venues are tight and just fitting your ‘A list’ is a difficult feat. Even if you have endless space, each head costs money so an endless guest list could also mean an endless budget.
I tried to do research on the etiquette behind a plus one and everyone seems to have their own opinion without a clear answer. I've read up on 'no ring, no bring' or only people in a relationship for over a year or even only if you have a relationship with both parties. So here it is... completely made up wedding etiquette by yours truly … (ie. you don’t need to listen to me or agree with me, I’m just putting it out there, because well that's kind of the point of this blog).
These people should receive a plus one:
Anyone who is married or has a ring. Obvious, right?
Anyone* living together or in a long term relationship (up to you to define long term, but anyone in a 9-12 month + relationship at the time of sending out invites is a good place to start). You’ll understand the asterisk later.
Anyone you really want at your wedding, but doesn’t necessarily know anyone. Similarly if you’re putting someone at a table at all couples and them (read, only single person in the group) … I’d probably add the option of a plus one. This is more-so to make these important guests feel comfortable.
If one of your friends’ ex is going to be there with a plus one, you should probably offer him/her a plus one as well. No one wants to have to deal with that solo!
Your Wedding Party would traditionally have the option to bring a plus one. Typically you’re super close with these people so you can have this as a more casual conversation, if they aren’t seriously dating anyone, to see if they would want to bring someone. Again, only speaking from experience, but bringing someone in this situation could actually be more difficult. If you’re in the wedding party, especially as a bridesmaid, you’re busy from the wee hours of the morning right up until the ceremony, so your plus one would be on their own. Plus typically you’re sitting at the head table, so depending on the person you bring, again you’d need to think about who they’d be sitting with. It may or may not be worth it.
Who you don’t necessarily need to extend plus ones to:
Colleagues. If you have good relationships with people from work you’re typically reserving a table or two for the office. While it is nice to extend (especially if you have a relationship with their significant others), it’s not necessary. You can assume this group will mingle with each other for the night.
Your single friends who are going to know most of the party (refer to the above, unless you only have one or two single friends).
Extended family*, especially if you haven’t met their significant other (see * below).
*The 'A' List vs the 'B' List. You can't deny it ... everyone has two lists. The people on the 'A' list are the people you couldn’t imagine not having celebrate your special day with you. So above when I said, anyone, I am referring to the 'A' list. When it comes to the 'B' list, your relationship with this person is typically more distant to start so it's not necessary to always extend plus ones. In theory if you have the option to provide a plus one here or there, you typically reserve it for the 'A' list as these are the people you want to feel the most comfortable and enjoy your day as much as you do. As for the ‘B list’, this doesn’t mean that you don’t give them plus ones, but it does mean that the second cousin that you need to invite doesn’t necessarily need to have a plus one, especially if you’ve never met their guest.
The invites are out, now what. Be super clear with your guests whether or not they have a plus one or not. Traditionally if only your name is on your envelope, you’re invited on your own. If your significant others name is on the envelope or "& Guest" then you can RSVP for up to two. Make sure that the way in which you ask your guests to RSVP makes it super clear as well. You would be surprised that there can sometimes be a grey area and you want to avoid this (yes, I've heard people add in a guests name in the comments section or allergy section, and other crazy stories that would shock you!).
As a 29 year old single, I have been invited to my fair share of weddings (clearly) and have been invited with a plus one for some weddings and without for others. I haven't been offended either way because I completely understand the pressures of space, costs, etc. Remember, just because you have been given a plus one, does not necessarily mean you need to use it. I know I always haven't because there are so many things that I've considered (and you should to) when deciding whether or not to bring someone.
First, it is costly. Traditionally if you are inviting someone you are also giving the gift on their behalf, which means that what you give needs to reflect that their are in fact two of you in attendance, so double down on that gift! Typically if the wedding is a destination (hotel included) you would usually split this cost, but make sure to have this conversation ahead of time so you are both on the same page.
Two, how well do you know the couple and the people in attendance? If the answer is very well and you basically know everyone there (and you're not the only single) then I typically air on the side of not bringing someone. You could end up being a babysitter for the night versus have the best time with all of your close friends. Plus apparently weddings are a great place to meet other singles (although I clearly haven't had much luck in that department!) and you don't want to constantly be entertaining someone else hoping they're having fun.
BUT, if the answer to that questions is, not that well, or you know the bride and groom but not many others, then definitely feel free to exercise your right to a plus one if it makes you feel more comfortable. If you are going to bring someone, make sure you bring the right plus one. Your date is a representation of you, so you don't want them to suck. I'd probably shy away from bringing someone you met on Bumble and this is your first or second date. I also don't necessarily agree with bringing your best girlfriend just for the sake of it. Make sure they're social, open to new experiences and someone you have fun with to ensure you're both comfortable and have an amazing night (and they don't embarrass you at all).
I’ve been lucky enough that this past summers wedding circuit was mostly close friends or family. So it meant that I didn't feel the need to bring anyone, and instead my good friend Jenna and I decided we were each other's plus ones for all of our weddings (except for that one time she ditched me ;)). However, that being said, if I was attending a wedding where I didn’t know many people or I was the only single gal, I think I would appreciate the option to bring someone.
And if you are going as someone's plus one, the pressure is on! Like I said before, you are a are a reflection of the guest, and if you have been chosen then they must think quite highly of you. Make sure to hold your alcohol, you don't want to be the random who also doubles as the most drunk person there. Vice versa you don't want to be the lame person who sits at the table all night long. Make sure that you are dressed appropriately, show up on time and naturally be friendly, introduce yourself to the bride and groom, congratulate (and thank) them and ultimately enjoy your night of (hopefully) good food, good booze and a good party. I was a 'plus one' this summer and like to think I nailed that role ... we had a great time complete with photo booth and dance floor appearances, but who knows, that might be the tequila I am remembering!
Like I said before, there is no such thing as black and white when it comes to giving (or not giving) plus ones. This is completely my opinion (single, not currently making any kind of list, planning a wedding or managing a budget) and by no means the right or wrong way to do it. Plus ones are a generous gesture by the bride and groom, but by no means an obligation!
xx
Nicole
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